Sunday, March 14, 2010

Baseball and Fish

Baseball and Fish. These are the things that Giff thinks about when on the rare occasion he has sex with a really hot chick. It's almost like a game. How can I keep her from going too far and too fast. Change the subject? Fake a leg cramp? Unfortunately, that's never how it goes. Now everyone knows that I've slept with many creatures before (if not refer back to the beer goggles list), but it's not quite known how many decent chicks I've pleasured before. It's like five, and they were all hot. Last night, I was put in quite the pickle. I went on a date with a smoking hot girl who was way out of my league in the looks department. I looked like total white trash because I had been partying on Greenville Ave. all day for St. Patty's. She didn't care. Things looked good for the Giff. We went to a douche infested playground for Dallas' most socially retarded bitches called Uptown. Yeah! I walked into the first bar of the night and I was hated on immediately. "Oh my god, Becky, look at that girl with that homeless guy!" said some random Uptown whore. Sidebar. I hate Uptown. And when I say hate I mean if I owned a grenade launcher, It would never have enough ammo. Anyway, back to the story. Hot chick and I bounce around from bar to bar. By 1am she's Nicole Ritchie'd. Any serial rapist would agree that this was a good thing. The last bar we went to was covered in pigs, 5-0, the heat, the fuzz. I thought to myself as this girl stumbled in her high heels, "Please God don't cause a scene." First thing old girl does? "Whaz you mean me too drank to getz in? Fuk dis bar!" Right in front of the whole Dallas PD. Special Officer Duffy approached quickly to impress the rest of the boys who blew and in his most inbred voice said "Ma'am your going to want to leave right now!" Scary. Boo! I have a GED and a fetish for gay handlebar mustaches. I grabbed her arm and left for the crib.

3:00am arrive at home--she's passed out so I contemplate leaving her in my truck, but she looked uncomfortable. I felt bad so I carried her to my bed.

3:05am--I'm so tired that I just try to go to sleep. She says she's cold and wraps her arms around me. I achieve a miniature boner.

3:07am--For some reason she said she was cold but started to undress. Heart pounds. I don't get girls like this anymore. "What do I do?" Achieve 1 more inch on my boner.

3:09am--She's going down on me! Baseball and fish time. It's starts to feel real good real fast. "Okay, I got this. Baseball and fish." Who did the Ranger's sign this year? Any new pitchers? We need new...pitch..oh fuck this is getting harder.

3:09:05 am--Fucking baseball inner dialogue you never work. Okay fine. Fishing. That will take me away. I wonder if I can catch another bass at Harry Myer's park again. It's my favorite hole. Wait, I just said favorite hole. Fucking fishing inner dialogue.

3:09:10 am--Okay, she stops going down on me and all I can think about is how my baseball and fishing idea is totally fucking me now. She's hot, naked, and ready to screw me like I was Ron Jeremy. Except, one minor detail. I'm not Ron Jeremy, I'm Giff Feltcher. I lay on my back and in slow motion the tan model with double d's gets on and starts riding hard. Baseball and Fish. Baseball and Fish! Fucking baseball and fish. BASEBALL AND FISH!!! BASE...BALL...AND...FISH!!!!!!

3:10am--Laughter. And not the good kind. She literally pointed at me and laughed.

3:11am--Got inspiration for the most bad ass blog ever!

Happy St. Patty's Day 39er's!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment